09/29/08: The tale of my horrible day on the Ellen show

Wow in the words of the great philosopher Timbaland, “...its been a long time, since I left you, with out a dope blog to laugh too.” Ok it didn’t quit go like that but just consider it the remix.

Dang, some much has been going on…where do I begin??!!! I sounded real valley girl-ish right there. Ok let me get my bearings, “Shame on a nucca, who tried to run game on a nucca.” Ok I’m good now. Sometimes you gotta recite a Wu-Tang verse or two to get your manhood back…I digress. Anyway, so those who know me know from the past when I get quiet something is definitely up. So hopefully I’ll be able to confirm, soon, that what I have been working on is definitely a go by the end of next month if not before. So please keep checking in on me. One thing I can tell you about, is that one of my best friends Erin Jackson was on the Ellen Show and I was right there to watch her day-time television debut…and she was right there to watch me potentially get banned from the show for life!!! :-/

I normally would start by telling you how nice the day was, how Ellen was in person, how I’m changing the name of the parties involved to protect the innocent, f@$@#$#@ that. I’m getting right to the point!! Roy Wood Jr, a comedian, born in Birmingham Alabama now residing in the Los Angeles area, approximately 5”9’, 185 pounds black male assailant…ok he didn’t actually attack me but it’s his fault. Is there a law word for that? Anyway, so Roy Wood Jr (diva) made it very clear that he would not sit in the audience for the actual show. He said and I quote, he had done his research and he realized that to sit in the audience you have to be a part of the big smile and dance number at the type of Ellen’s shows and he didn’t want to be seen on camera smiling and dancing, let alone be seen smiling and dancing next to another man smiling and dancing, end quote. Frankly, I’m a pretty good dancer and had planned to keep the smiling to a minimum, so I was not afraid of being seen in the light that Roy Wood Jr was referencing. Also for safety measures, I wore a button down shirt, a cross and a wife beater (showing just a taste) which says I know how to dress but I still got a little G in me.

Well the show starts and Roy Wood Jr (damn right I’m going to keep saying his full name so you guys don’t forget the assailant) is laughing at these nice people getting their off beat dance on.

CUT TO: Ellen playing a game with three audience members and giving the winner an IPOD touch.
CUT TO: Ellen surprising the other two contestants with IPOD Touches.
CUT TO: Ellen surprising the entire audience and giving them all IPOD Touches!!!
**I hope you see where this is going**

That means everyone one who was in the audience got an IPOD Touch. That means everyone one who sucked it up and danced off beat got an IPOD Touch. That means that if I had been sitting in the audience I would have gotten an IPOD Touch buuuttttttt nnnnnnoooooooooooo Roy Wood Jr wanted to be too cool for school (that’s right I said it) and sit in the green room.

01/25/07: The ROC is in the building

Ok I guess its time to go back to what Im good at doing which is writing my own blogs. Thanks to Cyn and Amber for their last 2 blog suggestions, my mom has just recovered from her heart attack.

Its crazy to say that my first summer in LA is already coming to a close. I have definitely met some crazy people from the witch to the security guard to the lady who asked me where the local jail was. Of course, if I bring this up you know it means I have met another character to at to my list of A-list RE REs.

SoTwo of my boys Jean and Chris from the east coast out of no where hit me up on my hit me up (that being my cell phone) and told me they were coming out to show me some love. I personally think they just saw Lisa Ray in the Wood and thought mad women out here look like that (little do they know). So they come out and I show them all spots around town from the clubs to Venice beach. Since one of my friends is a semi-alcoholic I took him to where he could be around his people, Saddle Ranch. Its a restaurant/bar on Sunset Blvd for those of you who have never been. So we are sitting there having a drink and then these 3 girls, one white, one Hispanic and one Chinese. Sidebar: Did I just say 3 girls walk into a bar? Ha hathats funny. Sorryback to the story. So Jean is like, I know that girl. Thats the girl I met at the club last night. So he starts to call out her name which is Jennifer (Chinese female) but she doesnt say anything. So I say excuse me to the last girl walking by then Im like is your girls name Jennifer. She says, Yeah who wants to know? Im like hmmmmm my boy thinks he knows her so he wants to know if that is really her or if its a case of mistaken identity. I guess she decides to ignore what Im saying and ask me my name. To which I saymy name is Dawan. She is like, So what does Dawan do? And as soon as I said it I knew I shouldnt have but Im like Im a comedian. She is like, Oh you a comedian? Im a manager I manage all types of artist and ish I may have to manage you. I thinking to myself, no one who in the first two minutes of meeting them use the phrase and ish will ever have control over my career.

Im like so whats your name miss manager. She like, V-Rock. Im like V-Rock? She is like yeah. This is just a personal thing and the rest of you may not think this but I just feel like a white girl should never have the nickname V-Rock. Is there a reason to this logic? No. Could it be a little racist? Yes. Sorry.

So I tell V-Rock to tell her girls to come over and have a drink with us since my boy was trying to holla at her girl. So V-Rock (cant believe Im calling her that) walks over to her girls, walks right back then is say to me, my girls said they would come over if yall were paying for their food. SCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDD. Anyone reading this who knows me knows what then followed. Im like you must be out your damn mind (the short version). So we are going back and forth and while we are going back in forth her friends start to walk over. On the way over to the table Jennifer realizes that she remembered Jean from the other night so she and the other chick sits down and they start talking. While this is going on me and ummmm, V-ROCK are still going back and forth basically about how they must be out their mind to come at me like that. I had tell her, I probably would have paid for you guys if you had just sat down and not come at me like we at a strip club. She then starts going off about how she hangs with Snoop and Ice Cube, blah, blah, blah, yaddy, yaddy, ya, name drop, name drop, name drop. So I start tuning this trick out, then I hear her say, Man I aint worried about yall paying for my food look at me, Im paid. I got 10,000 in the bank right now. WOW Now I know that everyone comes from different financial situations and my momma taught me you should never judge anyone but In this situation when youre trying to show off and talk about what you got and how much money you usually exaggerate 10,000 over what you ACTUALLY have. Trust me I use to do it all the time in the 6TH GRADE. Who says they got 10,000 dollars in the bank and thinks that is ballin. She acting like she stepping off the G4, she got Snoop and Ice Cube over her house, like Bill Gates be asking her to borrow moneyall with 10,000 in the bank. I feel like Oprah probably wipes her @zz with 10,000 dollars every morning before she leaves the house.

At this point Im ready to go but my boys are very amused by this whole thing so they want to stay. So I regain my composure and try to be nice to these three women. Come to find out that the other two girls really aren't that bad its just V-Rock who is the A-List Re Re. I say this because I start to give her a chance to redeem herself when she says to me, So Dawan, spit me a joke, let me hear a joke? Of course, 'WHAT', was my response She goes, You a comedian if thats really your passion you should be able to spit at anytime. OK this conversation is now officially done son. Who says these things? Do I look like your favorite rapper's favorite rapper? Do I look like the broke Curtis Jackson50 pennies? All I can do is ask questions in my head as you can see. When is the last time you were walking downtown and you looked over and you saw Chris Rock standing on the corner spitting jokes. You aint never been in the hood and seen a comedian cipher (kats standing in a circle spitting jokes). I truly believe that everyone comes into your life for a reason and I have never said that I thought someone hasnt been placed on this earth for a reason but at that moment I felt like Carl Thomas*singing* I wish I had never met her!

I just want to say V-Rock if your out there, you should know that you got a lot going for yourself, your white. I would just stay on that path. Change your name back to Valerie or Vanessa or whatever it is. You can get a job anywhere with a name like that. Dont give up on your people!!! I havent given up on mine...

07/06/06: So You Want to be in a Magazine?

I know, I know, its been a while since I posted one of these bad boys but nothing worth writing about had happen out here in these LA streets.well that was until the BET Awards came to town.

The Monday before the BET Awards I got invited by probably one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen to a pre-awards concert featuring T.I. (what you know about that) at the House of Blues. So we get to the House of Blues and as always I knew my people would not let me down. I think I learned of a couple other body parts that I never knew of, that gold and platinum can be placed on. I think come 2008 rappers will be like f*** grillz I'm gettin my whole body dipped in uranium son, what? WHAT?

Anyway I digress....So this beautiful woman and her friend I'm with work for a magazine by the name of PEOPLE and are just there to see who is in attendance and check out the seen. They decide they need to go upstairs because thats where a lot of the 'supposite' VIP invited guest are. So we head towards the elevator to go upstairs which is guarded by a security guard who abruptly stops us and ask if we have VIP wristband in which they reply, "No but we have business cards and or Press Badges if you need that as well." So they hand him a card and this fool goes, "Oh you work for PEOPLE Magazine, where ya'll be at when ya'll be taking those pictures of those celebrities. How can I get up in there?" Now I dont consider myself to be a genius on any level but one thing I do know is that if the caption below the picture of Janet Jackson and JD says that they are doing their thing on the Red Carpet of the BET Awards then they probably are ummm I dont know let me take a guess at THE BET AWARDS.

Now to address your second question which you state, how can a person like yourself grace the pages of a magazine like PEOPLE. The answer is: be a leader in your field. If youre an artist be one of the top artist in your genre. You have to be able to stand out in the area that you work in. Now if your open to advice I would have to say that if you are a dude with a yellow jacket who is only allowed to carry a flash light and some mace then you probably have a long way to go. Now I know how it can be deceiving to you because the name of the magazine is PEOPLE and you are thinking to yourself, hey, Im a PERSON but Im pretty sure you have to be more then just a PERSON to be in PEOPLE. I have never looked in PEOPLE and seen:

Singer Beyonce and Rapper Jay-z outside of Jay-zs 40/40 club in NY, #2 Tennis player Serena Williams dressed to impress outside of LA hotspot Privilegde, #3 Security Guard Terrence Wallace taking out the trash behind the House Blues on Sunset. I just cant see it

Now what you may want to do is start your own magazine called Regular PEOPLE magazine. You could have a magazine for people who are striving to be in PEOPLE but they just dont have the talent. It would be tight because all those people who try to advertise on my Myspace page could make up at least your first two years of articles.

07/06/06: Myspace...I'm not trying to be rude, promise

Oh myspace, myspace, myspace... This is a blog I have been trying to write for a while but every to time I go to write it I end up meeting someone so interesting that they take precedence.

I love meeting new people on myspace. I think the fact that you can meet people you would have probably never met on the street is pretty tight. I guess the one thing I have a problem with is when someone abuses my general rules. So I'm just going to go ahead and put this out there so that people know up front and they can't claim ignorance when I have to write them an email entitled, "Please don't ever do that *9 again or I may have to do something that will earn me jail time." We all know with a butt as big as mine the last place I need to be taking a trip to is jail. So here we go:

Dear Potential Myspace Friends,

I thank you so much for requesting me to be a friend. I truly think its an honor that you thought enough of me to hit the add button on my page. I know the next step for most people is to leave a comment on my page with a little message but please understand this; the comment section is for you to write personal comments to ME. The comment section is not to ADVERTISE your page or something your doing. Why would you think it would be ok to come to my page and write comments that have nothing to do with me ESPECIALLY if I don't know you? If I get another comment like, "Hey thanks for the add and make sure you tell your friends to check out my new cd coming out this summer entitled Internet Pimpin," or "hey make sure you check out my webcam," it will be too soon. There is this great section Myspace has created called BULLETINS where you can advertise and spam people to death all you want. Its great because if they actually want to read it, you know what, they usually do.

Also please do not request me as a friend then turn around and request me to join your fan club. You asked me to be your friend. Again I say I don't know you so how can I be a fan. I'm really sorry, I know you may spit them bars to make my head shack and once I have decided that for myself I PROMISE I will tell people about you. If I come to find out that your stuff is hot, I will even go down to the corner of Hollywood and Highland and tell everyone who walks by how you reppin for the streets or how you are the next white version of Keyshia Coles, if you like.

You should feel free though, to send me a message asking me to visit your page and check out your stuff. But don't worry I'm pretty smart. You don't have to send me a message with the button in the message. I know this internet stuff can be confusing sometimes but I can assure you that I have already figured out that when you hit that little add button it actually does that.

Now I know you probably won't read this because only the people who are ACTUALLY friends or fans read my blog. So from now on I'm going to just leave your little ads up so those who actually read this can get their laugh for the day.

Sincerely Not Your Friend ,

Dawan

PS If it feels like this blog is directed at you I apologize because you guessed it...it is.

05/23/06: You probably think this blog is about you? Don’t you? Don’t you?

I have to say in the last year, especially with the creation of my Myspace page and moving to LA, I have met more people then the last 5 years prior, combined. But I have started to see a recurring theme amongst females I have been meeting lately. For example I met this girl about a week ago at the grocery store and yes this is the same grocery store that I had my encounter with ‘Gucci Shades’ (if you don’t know her you need to go back a couple blog to get acquainted).

So I’m in the grocery doing my bi-weekly shopping when I come across white asparagus which really threw me off so I said to this girl next to me who was picking through the Spring Mix salad (I pay attention to detail), “excuse me….” She then looks at me like I have lost my mind for interrupting her Salad picking experience. So I step back a little bit and complete my sentence, “excuse me…have you ever heard of white asparagus.” She then realizes that I’m not trying to holla at her and is like, “Oh no.” I’m like I’m sorry for interrupting your Salad picking experience but I had to ask someone. To which she responses, “You think you’re a comedian huh?” Which of course I reply, “Actually…” Which for some reason made her feel the need to reply, “Oh no, you’re not going to write a joke about me are you?”

Ok……I’m not really sure how to say this without offending the 20 or so women who have asked me this question. *scooting up on the edge of my chair and getting close to the monitor as if I was actually talking to this chick* You need to understand one thing, I write jokes about things that REALLY matter to me. What about you after meeting me ONE TIME, would lead you to believe that you’re important enough to write a joke about? I know you don’t that when you meet people in other professions.

I know you don’t go to a restaurant and meet the chef for the first time and say, “your not going to name an entrée after me, are you?” And bet if you bump into a singer on the metro you don’t say to him, “Oh gosh you’re not going to write a song about me are you?” No you don’t so why would you think if I just met you that I would be so compelled by you to write…a…joke…about…you?

By the way if you would do the things listed above then please email me your momma address because obviously I need to write her a letter and let her know she made you feel way too important when you were growing up.

05/09/06: ESPN give me a break

Ok so I been watching ESPN all day and all they keep talking about is Barry Bonds and him breaking Babe Ruth's Home run record. Every commentator, supposite geniuses, has weighed in on how they feel about Barry Bonds and him breaking Babe Ruth's record.

I'm really tired of hearing it to be honest. I'm especially upset with the black commentators for even having this discussion and yes it does have to do with race but not about Barry being black. I think there is one key fact that is not being brought up in this discussion...BABE RUTH IS NOT THE HOME RUN LEADER HANK AARON IS. Babe Ruth hit 714 home runs which is SECOND to Henry Louis "Hank" Aaron's 755. If we want to get technical Big Hank holds the career marks for runs batted in (2,297), extra base hits (1,477) and total bases (6,856) which makes him the best player in history (my opinion don’t debate it)

When did coming in second become so highly honored? In the Olympics when you come in second you don't get your country's national anthem played, the winner does. When I had the second highest score in my fantasy football league I didn’t win no money, the guy with the highest score did. No one came over to me like dang I can’t believe you came in second and then proceeded to give me a round of applause.

And finally when pass the RUNNER UP to the the all-time leader of the Major League Baseball Home Run Title you run around the bases, pick up your bad, slap hands with your team and sit yo @zz right back on the bench just like you did when you passed the 3rd person on the list.
Ok maybe you tip your hat at the fans but THAT’S IT.

HOLLA (just felt like the holla went well with the flow)

04/24/06: Thats what I get for trying new thangs!!!

One of the first things I had to get use to in LA was the fact that most apartment buildings have shared laundry facilities. Now for me I have grown accustom to washing my dirty underwear in the privacy of my own home but I said ok Ill do the whole when in Rome thing and plus I figured it may be a great way to meet some interesting people. I was wrong

Yesterday I was in the laundry room and on our floor there are only 3 machines one of them never works. So Im putting my laundry in the one available machine that works when this guy walks in and starts putting his clothes in the machine that never works. So of course I say to him, oh that machine never works to which he replies, Oh..dont worryIll get it to work.Im a WITCH. In my mind I say, Como say what? Now Im looking for the joke, the laugh, the smile, the somethingit never came. The only thing that did come was him immediately following the Im a WITCH comment with the question, Whats your name? You really think Im about to tell you my name so when I leave you take one of my pair of boxers out the wash and start casting all kinds of spells on me? Not the kid

I know to some people who have been living in LA for some time this story may sound very normal but Im from Baltimore MD, we dont just kick it with WITCHES. Im still trippin the man said he was a WITCH. To throw another element in to the WITCH pot if I may, the dude was a brother. So he wasnt just a WITCH he was a black WITCH. Im just going to go out on a lame and make a bold statement and say that being a WITCH is something black people just dont do. Ok I have now just got confirmation the NAACP, the Rainbow Coalition and the people over at www.BlackPeopleDontBecomeWitches.com, are all in agreement, we dont do the witch thing.

Let me end by saying that if there are any witches out here on myspace (which I doubt there are lol) please dont take this personal. Feel free to curse me out just dont curse me.

04/10/06: Myspace Picture Comments...Keep It Funky!!!

One thing I been noticing that is very popular on Myspace is everyone making these really nice comments on peoples pictures like, "do your thing girl" and "Dang son you reppin in this picture." Whats with the lies, you know she really don't look all that cute in that picture and you know that car he is posing in front of isn't his. Its like when yo momma use to tell you how beautiful your face was, when in reality you had a face that only a mother could love.

So I decided to started a new campaign, I'm going around telling people the truth about their pictures like, "Ohhhhh...ummm, red is really not a good color on you" and "Did you really walk out house looking like that or this just a joke?"

So be on the look out as I come to a myspace page near you.

We all need some reality....

04/05/06: No More Comments...I'm Sorry

I want to thank you all for the comments you posted on my blog entries but unfortunately I had to disable Comments on my blog site. Apparently, Bang Brothers and MoreSex.com are very fond of my blog.

Feel free to comment on myspace.com as my blog is posted there as well www.myspace.com/dawanowens

04/03/06: Hollywood Pimpin, Fake It Until You Make It

As long as I can remember I can recall someone quoting phrases like, "FAKE IT until you make it" or "you gotta ACT the part be get the part." In this respect I think some people out here need some more acting classes.

I went to the market (aka the grocery store...I'm from Baltimore don't hate) the other day to pick up a couple thangs. So as I go to check out this lady in front of me, who looked like a designers billboard, was in front of me. When I say designers billboard I mean you couldn't have gotten another article of designer apparel on her if you tired. I'm mean from the Gucci shades to the Louis V finger nail clippers on her key ring this girl was draped up and dripped out, know what I'm talking about? It was like she sold her body as ad space and she had so many takers she had close up shop.

So Gucci Shades (what I have named her) has like two items in checkout, some pre-made market chicken wings which couldn't have been more the 6 or 7 dollars and some ice cream sandwich which were 4.65 (I had them as well :-) ). Gucci Shades goes to the cashier, "I want to pay 3 dollars in cash and put the rest on my card." At this point I personally think thats weird but who am I to say anything? I did the same thing all the time in college when I didn't have enough money in the bank to withdraw and I wanted to keep my cash in case of an emergency or a party ;-) ...but I'm thinking of course that can't be the case with this chick because you know....she Gucci Shades. So the cashier is like I'm sorry miss but your card has been declined. Un-phased (like she has been here before) she then replies, "ok can I pay 4 dollars in cash and put the rest on my card." The cashier goes with the request and again declined. To make a long story short when I tell you she went up by dollar increment until we got to 8 dollars thats exactly what happened. I'm like this ain't the Prices Right, you can't keep bidding one dollar.

If I calculated right she ended up putting 1.43 on her card. Hey Gucci Shades if youre out there and are reading this, next time check your bank account online before you go to make a purchase like the rest of us broke Mo Fos do.

Hollywood Pimpin got to love it....