Pimps Up… Blogs Down

Original Post Date: Friday, March 14, 2008

So today I was skimming the Craigslist classifieds trying to see what prices ranges others were selling there stuff for (like desk and tvs) when I came across the following post:

I Would Like All of My T-Shirts back

Reply to: sale-606542453@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-14, 4:43PM PDT
To Whomever stole all of my good t-shirts out of the dryer on Wednesday,

You stole every single one of my favorite, simple, wear everyday, nice T-shirts.

I did laundry on tuesday after work, and yes I am stupid and forgot about the stuff in the dryer. I woke up at 5 am on thursday and remembered, but it was all gone. When the woman down the hall leaves her clothes in the washer for days – so long it smells by the time someone removes them and uses it for themselves, no one has stolen her Ed Hardy or her knock-off Guess sequined trash jeans she squeezes her rear into so tight it oozes over the waistband effectively making her torso look like the top of a gelatenous muffin. Or the guy who leaves his entire Banana Republic button-up shirt collection in both dryers for days and days and days.

Yet you choose to steal my simple, nice, and very CHEAP t-shirts. Solid colors, short sleeved, long sleeved, loose, snug. The cheap simple t-shirts that I can get away with my needed work-look of ‘Cali Cazh’ – Jeans and a nice t-shirt, I’m a Sound Person – no – I’m an Audio Girl. I can’t look too sexy, hair back, glasses on, functional clothes but never dyk-ey. The clients can see that I’m pretty (everyone likes eye-candy) but more nerdy – I have to be taken seriously. read more »

Original Post Date: October 17, 2007

After about 6 months I finally had a chance to make it back to the B-more streets to see my family. It’s good to see my mom because she always reminds me where I got my sense of humor from. Well at least on day one and two. ha ha. You know how it is…day one is the catering to you day, I’m not going to ask you any question. They just want you to come in, sit down and let them look at you. They’ll make whatever you want for dinner? You want your favorite dessert? I know you love to watch football. Take your lunch in the living room and eat in there while I act like I don’t care, so what you couldn’t do it when you were a kid. …like I said, that last for about one or two days then slowly but surely they switch on you. Welcome home pimpin!

I give it to mom dukes (NY slang to reference the woman who gave birth to you) because she tired her best to hold off as long as she could with the long line of questioning. She actually set a personal best, 3 days. I think she almost lost it on day two but Heroes came on and I think she forgot.

And sooooooo it begins….It always starts with, “So how are things?” **She likes to start vague and work her way to specifics** How is the weather? You brushing your teeth daily? How is stand up going? How was such and such audition? How is your best friend doing? How is ______ (insert the name of every girl I ever dated and repeating the question)? So who are you dating now? When do you think you’ll get married? One after another, after another and I’m like a super hero trying to block her bullets with my sword…tink tink tink. Little did I know there was something new at hand. Something I had not been trained to defend. “Dawan, grandma said if I got remarried to James (explain in a minute) you would stop coming home to visit.” I’m like, “I never said that.” My mom is like, “Well it hurt my feelings.” I’m like, “I never said that.” This statement frustrated me for three reasons. One, my grandmother is using me like a lonely pawn with with her queen in harms way to say something she really feels. Two, because my mom could have just come out and asked me if I care if she gets remarried, she doesn’t have to go into this he said she said. And Three, because I NEVER SAID THAT! Dang… read more »

Original Post Date: July 09, 2007

The club is not the greatest place to meet people but every once in a while you come up on a diamond in the rough. Well I thought this may have been the case for me when I met, let’s call her K. I get K’s number and I think to myself wow this girl mad cool. So K and I arrange to go to dinner. I get there early because you know sometimes the club lights play tricks on you, so if that was the case and she looked like a he, I could just slip out the side door (don’t judge me). Ha ha. So K walks in and I’m like this has to be top 5 most beautiful women I have ever met. I then proceed to do the, ‘white boy arm pump’. read more »

Original Post Date: April 10, 2007
You can’t see what I can see…you blind baby, you blind to the facts G. You ever have one of favorite lyrics turn around and smack in you in the face when you least expect it? Or I guess in this case should I say poke you in the eye.

Last week I was playing basketball in one of the roughest areas in LA. Not Compton, South Central or East LA, worse…Hollywood. Yeah laugh if you want too but you try playing basketball with actors, directors, musicians or anyone else who don’t quite have the athletic skills needed to play a sport without hurting themselves or those around them. Its like dancing with a girl with no rhythm, you are likely to catch a heel to your big toe. I guess I should have thought about that before last week when I went up for a block and just before I could do my patent Mutombo finger wave, I received a finger to my eye. After landing on my side I responded to my worried teammates, “I’m alright.”…ALRIGHT I’m lying. I said, “I CAN’T SEE, I CAN’T SEE! I got a woman, way over town that’s good to me.”

Now my philosophy when it comes to inquires has always been the same as Danity Kane’s, “Sleep on it, Sleep on it.” After waking and realizing I CAN’T SEE, I CAN’T SEE AGAIN! I took my butt to the eye doctor to find out that I have a scratch to my cornea. I must say, a scratch cornea has to be the worse pain I have ever felt in my life. read more »

Original Post Date: November 13, 2006

The Gateway Of India

I tell people all the time if there is anything that you have to do before you die is to see the world. I think to see the world gives you a different perspective on your own life, especially if you travel to a third world country. I had the opportunity to travel to Mumbai, India for work a couple of years ago before I started doing comedy and that changed my whole outlook on life.

I knew this trip was going to have its issues from the start. Number One, 3 of the 4 co-workers I was traveling with were white and we were going to an all brown country. I’m not sure if you know, but White people for some reason aren’t the most popular race on earth. Number Two, they thought it would be funny to wait until we got on the flight to tell me that June is the beginning of Monsoon season in India. Furthermore proving why White people are not the most popular race on earth.

So after a 16-hour plan ride, I almost get arrested for taking pictures in the airport to which I replied with the words of the great philosopher Dave Chapelle, “I didn’t know you couldn’t do that.” I then pull the one Indian kat that came with us ,” I understand you don’t live her but I need you to help me get up to speed on rules or laws that may cause me not to be able to get back on that plane.” read more »

I was talking with one of my boys the other day and we were having that age old conversation of what happens when you die. I was saying, I think your life as a whole is probably taken into account not just one thing you did. But if God says to you, “I’m sorry playa, you want the other eternal resting place” could there be one moment that you could look back on and say I know exactly when I confirmed my spot in hell? You know how you have those moments when you say to yourself, self you may be going to hell for that one? So I decided to think about what moment of all those sinful moments (exaggerating, I’m an angel ) has been the worst. Now I’m not saying I’m going to hell (brother don’t like it hot) but here is a time that probably gives me a 50/50 chance. read more »

Original Post Date: April 24, 2006

One of the first things I had to get use to in LA was the fact that most apartment buildings have shared laundry facilities. Now for me I have grown accustom to washing my dirty underwear in the privacy of my own home but I said ok I’ll do the whole when in Rome thing and plus I figured it may be a great way to meet some interesting people. I was wrong/right. ha ha

Yesterday I was in the laundry room and on our floor there are only 3 machines one of them never works. So Im putting my laundry in the one available machine that works when this guy walks in and starts putting his clothes in the machine that never works. So of course I say to him, oh that machine never works to which he replies, Oh…dont worry Ill get it to work…Im a WITCH. In my mind I say, Como say what? Now Im looking for the joke, the laugh, the smile, the something…it never came. The only thing that did come was him immediately following the ‘Im a WITCH’ comment with the question, Whats your name? You really think Im about to tell you my name so when I leave you can take one of my pair of boxers out the wash and start casting all kinds of spells on me? Not the kid

I know to some people who have been living in LA for some time this story may sound very normal but Im from Baltimore MD, we dont just kick it with WITCHES. Im still trippin the man said he was a WITCH. To throw another element in to the WITCH pot if I may, the dude was a brother. So he wasnt just a WITCH he was a black WITCH. Im just going to go out on a limb and make a bold statement and say that being a WITCH is something black people just don’t do. Ok I have now just got confirmation the NAACP, the Rainbow Coalition and the people over at www.BlackPeopleDontBecomeWitches.com, are all in agreement, we don’t do the witch thing.

Let me end by saying that if there are any witches out here on myspace/facebook/in life (which I doubt there are lol…hopefully :-/) please dont take this personal. Feel free to curse me out just dont curse me.

I know, I know, its been a while since I posted one of these bad boys but nothing worth writing about had happen out here in these LA streets.well that was until the BET Awards came to town.

The Monday before the BET Awards I got invited by probably one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen (Please keep in mind the original post date ha ha) to a pre-awards concert featuring T.I. (Now on lock down) at the House of Blues. So we get to the House of Blues and as always I knew my people would not let me down. I think I learned a couple other body parts that gold and platinum can be placed on. I think come 2008 rappers will be like f*** grillz I’m gettin my whole body dipped in uranium son, what? WHAT (they let me down)?

Anyway I digress….So this beautiful woman (Please keep in mind the original post date ha ha) and her friend I’m with, work for a magazine by the name of PEOPLE and are just there to see who is in attendance and check out the seen. They decide they need to go upstairs because thats where a lot of the ‘supposite’ VIP invited guest are. So we head towards the elevator to go upstairs which is guarded by a security guard who abruptly stops us and ask if we have VIP wristband in which they reply, “No but we have business cards and or Press Badges if you need that as well.” So they hand him a card and this fool goes, “Oh you work for PEOPLE Magazine, where ya’ll be at when ya’ll be taking those pictures of those celebrities. How can I get up in there?” Now I dont consider myself to be a genius on any level but one thing I do know is that if the caption below the picture of Janet Jackson and JD says that they are doing their thing on the Red Carpet of the BET Awards then they probably are, ummm I dont know let me take a guess, DOING THEIR THING ON THE RED CARPET @ THE BET AWARDS.

Now to address your second question which you state, how can a person like yourself grace the pages of a magazine like PEOPLE. The answer is: be a leader in your field. If you’re an artist be one of the top artist in your genre. You have to be able to stand out in the area that you work in. Now if your open to advice I would have to say that if you are a dude with a yellow jacket who is only allowed to carry a flash light and some mace then you probably have a long way to go. Now I know how it can be deceiving to you because the name of the magazine is PEOPLE and you are thinking to yourself, hey, Im a PERSON but Im pretty sure you have to be more then just a PERSON to be in PEOPLE. I have never looked in PEOPLE and seen:

Singer Beyonce and Rapper Jay-z outside of Jay-zs 40/40 club in NY, #2 Tennis player Serena Williams dressed to impress outside of LA hotspot Privilegde, #3 Security Guard Terrence Wallace taking out the trash behind the House Blues on Sunset. I just can’t see it (that was until Reality Tv got out of hand)

Now what you may want to do is start your own magazine called Regular PEOPLE magazine. You could have a magazine for people who are striving to be in PEOPLE but they just dont have the talent. It would be tight because all those people who try to advertise on my Myspace/Facebook page could make up at least your first two years of articles.

Original Post Date: August 27, 2006

Its crazy to say that my first summer in LA is already coming to a close. I have definitely met some crazy people from the witch to the security guard to the lady who asked me where the local jail was. Of course, if I bring this up you know it means I have met another character to at to my list of A-list RE REs.

So two of my boys, Jean and Chris from the east coast, out of no where hit me up on my hit me up (that being my cell phone) and told me they were coming out to show me some love. I personally think they just saw Lisa Ray in the Wood and thought mad women out here look like that (little do they know). So they come out and I show them all spots around town from the clubs to Venice beach. Since one of my friends is a semi-alcoholic I took him to where he could be around his people, Saddle Ranch. Its a restaurant/bar on Sunset Blvd for those of you who have never been. So we are sitting there having a drink and these 3 girls, one white, one Hispanic and one Chinese. Sidebar: Did I just say 3 girls walk into a bar? Ha ha that’s funny. Sorry back to the story. So Jean is like, I know that girl. That’s the girl I met at the club last night. So he starts to call out her name which is Jennifer (Chinese female) but she doesn’t say anything. So I say excuse me to the last girl walking by then I’m like is your girls name Jennifer. She says, Yeah who wants to know? Im like hmmmmm my boy thinks he knows her so he wants to know if that is really her or if its a case of mistaken identity. I guess she decides to ignore what Im saying and ask me my name. To which I say my name is Dawan. She is like, So what does Dawan do? And as soon as I said it…I knew I shouldn’t have but I told her I was a comedian. She is like, Oh you a comedian? I’m a manager I manage all types of artist and ish I may have to manage you. I thinking to myself, no one who in the first two minutes of meeting them uses the phrase ‚Äòand ish’ will ever have control over my career.

I’m like so what’s your name miss manager. She goes, ‚ÄúV-Rock.” Im like V-Rock? She is like yeah. This is just a personal thing and the rest of you may not think this but I just feel like a white girl should never have the nickname V-Rock. Is there a reason to this logic? No. Could it be a little racist? Yes. Sorry.

So I tell V-Rock to tell her girls to come over and have a drink with us since my boy was trying to holla at her girl. So V-Rock (cant believe Im calling her that) walks over to her girls, walks right back then says to me, my girls said they would come over if ya’ll were paying for their food. SCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDD. Anyone reading this who knows me knows what then followed. I’m like you must be out your damn mind (the short version). So we are going back and forth and while we are going back and forth her friends start to walk over. On the way over to the table Jennifer realizes that she remembered Jean from the other night so she and the other chick sits down and they start talking. While this is going on me and ummmm, V-ROCK are still going back and forth basically about how they must be out their mind to come at me like that. I had tell her, I probably would have paid for you guys if you had just sat down and not come at me like we at a strip club. She then starts going off about how she hangs with Snoop and Ice Cube, blah, blah, blah, yaddy, yaddy, ya, name drop, name drop, name drop. So I start tuning this trick out, then I hear her say, Man I aint worried about ya’ll paying for my food look at me, Im paid. I got 10,000 in the bank right now. WOW Now I know that everyone comes from different financial situations and my momma taught me to never judge anyone but in this situation when you’re trying to show off and talk about what you got and how much money you usually exaggerate 10,000 over what you ACTUALLY have. Trust me I use to do it all the time in the 6^TH GRADE. Who says they got 10,000 dollars in the bank and thinks that is ballin. She acting like she stepping off the G4, she got Snoop and Ice Cube over her house, like Bill Gates be asking her to borrow money y’all with 10,000 in the bank. I feel like Oprah probably wipes her @zz with 10,000 dollars every morning before she leaves the house.

At this point I’m ready to go but my boys are very amused by this whole thing so they want to stay. So I regain my composure and try to be nice to these three women. Come to find out that the other two girls really aren’t that bad its just V-Rock who is the A-List Re Re. I say this because I start to give her a chance to redeem herself when she says to me, So Dawan, spit me a joke, let me hear a joke? Of course ‘WHAT’, was my response… She goes, ‚Äúyour a comedian if that’s really your passion you should be able to spit at anytime.” OK this conversation is now officially done son. Who says these things? Do I look like your favorite rapper’s favorite rapper? Do I look like the broke Curtis Jackson 50 pennies? All I can do is ask questions in my head as you can see. When is the last time you were walking downtown and you looked over and you saw Chris Rock standing on the corner spitting jokes. You aint never been in the hood and seen a comedian cipher (kats standing in a circle spitting jokes)… I truly believe that everyone comes into your life for a reason and I have never said that I thought someone hasn’t been placed on this earth for a reason but at that moment I felt like Carl Thomas*singing* I wish I had never met her!

I just want to say V-Rock if your out there, you should know that you got a lot going for yourself, your white. I would just stay on that path. Change your name back to Valerie or Vanessa or whatever it is. You can get a job anywhere with a name like that. Dont give up on your people!!! I havent given up on mine…

Original Post date: January 09, 2007

I remember the days when in the words of 50 Cent, “You could find me in da club.” Since hittin my mid-twenties, the club hasn’t been the same to me. The club has become like an ex-girlfriend on Myspace. You may not like her, but every once in a while you gotta check her out just to see if she is still the same without you.

A couple of weeks ago my boy calls me and tells me a bunch of his boys are coming into town so we gotta get up. Unlike women, who many times love to sit around and catch up on each others lives without distractions, men usually need to have at least one or two distractions and one better be named Lisa and other Brandy i.e. women. Now don’t get me wrong, its not like as men we don’t care about each other. It’s just that we care about women more, and the easiest (not the best) place to find large groups of women is, you guessed it, da club.

So we do our normal guy thing at the club, walk in like we own the place, find a post up spot right by the dance floor and point out every women who we think is looking our way but really is looking at the kats behind us. Anyway, as we are chillin and catching up (now that women are around), I feel this little tap on my shoulder. I turn around and this woman is standing there in this ALL GOLD, ONE PIECE, JUMPSUIT, looking like Tina Knowles, in Beyonce’s clothes, reminiscent of the movie Gold Member. My first thought is, “Tina ain’t you too old to be at the club?” but we all know that wouldn’t have been right to say so I just said, “hey ma”. Her not knowing I meant she literally looked like somebody’s ma. She starts making small talk and when I say small talk I mean about two questions and then I guess she decides that she may as well say what she came over to say, “Soooooo, you wanna buy me a drink?” To which I reply, “Who me? Ha Ha Ha Ha, Ha Ha Ha Ha, Ha Ha, Ha Ha … I’m sorry you must have me mistaken. Who says something like that?” To which she replies, “I thought I would just come right out and ask. I thought you would think I was BOSSY,” then proceeds to raise her arms, wrist bent, and do the Kelis Bossy dance. WOW. This leaves me no other choice but to reply by saying, “That’s not Boss-y, That’s Hun-gry,” and walk away.

I would just like to blame both Beyonce and Kelis for my victimization because if it was not for them, these events would have never taken place.