Pimps Up… Blogs Down

I just have to say there is nothing like a good stalker. Just when you thought you life had gotten dull and boring a long comes a good stalker to change that smile upside down‚ am I right?

A friend was telling me about her current stalker who choose to send her messages on facebook but doesn’t wait for her reply‚ meaning he replies with the answers to his questions and continues to keep talking. I told her that is actually pretty cool because her stalker requires no interaction from her. As long you don’t block him, you can just let him keep sending his messages and you can keep deleting them and everyone is happy. She didn’t think that was a good idea. She wanted to send emails to facebook, admins, the army, blah blah blah. She was like, Dawan what do you know about having a stalker!!! Ooooohhhh young lady if you only knew. I’ve had a couple stalkers in my time. There was my 4^rd grade stalker who tired to kill me after she saw me talking to her sister. They were identical twins, how was I suppose to know! Then there was my college stalker who started calling my frat brother demanding my number because she ‘loved me’ then proceed to call me 47 times a day. Yes 47 on the dot (my college football number)!! I can’t forget the part where she said she told her mom about us and wanted me to give her my address so she could ‚send me something. Yeah right lady!!!! That’s what the Unabomber use to tell his victims before he sent them a very special package. But I think the most memorable, was my 03 stalker. I like a scoop of really expensive caviar, she left a foul taste in my mouth.

Who could forget the summer of 2003 in DC? I sure can’t that was the summer my world was rocked. Ha ha. I was dating this girl, let’s call her‚ Chi-Town Stalker. So Chi-Town Stalker and I had dated for about 2 months and I think she was use to guys letting her do her think mainly because she was just out of college and still kinda playing games. I explained to her up front that was really what I was about and after a couple months I was forced to use my baseball backgroud and implement the 3 strike rule. Yeah I know its harsh but I had CC Sebathia her aka K her aka 3 strikes your out her aka sit you @zz on the bench you just got rung up her. Ok I got a little to hype there but you know what I mean. Anyway, the thing I think we can all say about dating and relationships is you never know how the other person is going to take it break up/break off. You have the, its cool, I fully understand, I hope we can be friends ex (1 in a million). Then you have the, I never want to talk to you again in life, I hope you choke on a chicken bone, kill yo self, kill yo self, kill-y0-self ex (the majority). And then you have the very mature, its all good I’ll just stalk you until you leave the state or charges are filed ex aka Chi-town Stalker.

It started off actually pretty harmless, yet weird of course. Late night voicemails saying she missed, but at 5am, escalating to, showing up at my stand-up shows and just hiding in the shadows in the back of the room. I’m like is that you the ghost of Christmas past? Then eventually escalating to the night it all went down hill.

Most of the people who know me from DC know I use to be a promoter with a group of great guys and we managed a website called Flow Insiders, which is still a staple in DC.

Sidebar: Dang I just realized I could be doing advertising in my blogs. So I was walking on stage last night I knew if I was going to have a great show I needed to have a COKE. COKE- The Coke Side of Life!! I need to think about this, back to the blog.

So we were throwing our weekly party called AIR in downtown DC and it’s a great night. So I’m a little inebriated, maybe dropping it low I feel this tap on the shoulder…yep you guessed it Harriet Tubman. Ok Ok it wasn’t Harriet, (but that would been far more interesting a story) it Chi-town Stalker. At this point in time she hasn‚’t even completely earned the name yet as she is balancing the line between weird and stalker. So we start chatting it up and its very cordial, how you been, how life, nice party‚ cordial. It was so cordial it almost seemed normal(first trick of a stalker).

We talk for a good 30 minutes and I tell her it was good to talk to her but I‚’m about to head home to which she responds, you think you give me a ride home I had to take a cab down here. I was like girl!!!! ‚ ok. :-/ So we are on the way to my house and everything is cool just like when we first met. I know, I know, its not my fault!!! Blame it on the‚ got you feelin–got-dang-me (bangin my head on the keyboard). I can’t even blame it on that because I was sober by this time‚ well until we go to my house and we decided to have a drink and watch a movie.

Sidebar: For the the low processor, I was suppose to take her home and now we are at my house. Somebody give me a Homer Simpson.

**I raising my right hand** I solemnly swear that everything you are about to read ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

I realize that if I did the deed I would be now re-opened the fluid gates and decide, to tell her, you know what I’m going to take you home. Her respond, I’m not leaving. Excuse me? This is my house. So I respond, ‚Oh yes you are (with a nervous ha ha after it). Which then turns into 3^rd graders determined not to lose‚ ohhh yes you are ‚ oooh no I’m not‚ ooohhh yes you are‚ ooohhhh no I’m not!!! oooohhhh yes yes yes you are!!!!!! I’m have actually stepped out of my boy because how you going to tell me you not leaving my house. That makes you scared to take date if a girl can just walk in your house call MINE-ZZZZ and not have to leave.

She finally gives in and we are back in my car on the way to her house. She is just scowling. Not even 5 minutes into the drive my phone rings so like normal I pick it up. Hey whats girl, how are you?TWO to the arm and ONE to face‚ Chi-town Stalker goes OOOFFFFFF ON ME!!!!!!! Get off the phone who the hell are you talking too?!!!!! …which then causes a chain reaction, me to swerve, her to hit her head on the side of the door, and the lights of the cop behind me to go on. :.-(As I’m looking for my registration and a mint, I just hear in this deep almost Barry White like voice, Son how much have you had to drink, to which I reply a beer sir he goes, Son, my noise is like a bloodhound. I look up and dude really looked like a human version of a bloodhound. Like he lost his noise in Nam and they had to replace it with a bloodhound’s. He goes, you have two choices, you can either go to jail or you can let her drive, your choice. It honestly was a hard decision but as you guessed Chi-town Stalker is behind the wheel. Did I forget to mention that Chi-town Stalker just got her license two weeks prior (I promise all true) and guess where we are headed too you guessed it BACK TO MY HOUSE.

As we are driving she starts doing this weird laugh, turns to me and goes, ‚ÄúI should crash this car right now.” In situations like this I normally by pass all the convo and realize I need to go straight to the man him: Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me…please comfort me Lawd. We get back to my house and she hopes right into my bed like we are happy newly weds. I explain that I’m just going to watch tv down stairs to release some of the stress (and conveniently not come up). I think I sleep with a small saucepan in my pants just in case she decided in the middle of the night to try and take my manhood in one swift move.

The shades are left wide open so once that sun hits the crack of my eye I’m up and at em’. ALLL ABOARD!!! I get her up and halfway home before she even realizes whats going on. We get to her house and she gets out the car, slams the door and is like, ‚ÄúI don’t ever want to hear from you again!!!”" Touchdown…and thus I never heard from the Chi-town Stalker again… Well after I left the state…

If you’re looking to sell your car there are many companies that advertise their services. Companies work long and hard to come up will all types of fancy smancy advertising schemes but I think when I’m ready to sell my car I’m going to go with this guy. I came across this innovative ad campaign around the corner from my house. I mean look at the Cash For Cars penmanship…as it tales off to the end and written on a perfectly cut piece of wood. Now if this isn’t a guy you can trust I don’t know who is… I’m calling today!!!!

I think we all come to a point in our lives where he look back and can pinpoint the exact moment we decided to make a change. It may be deciding to quit smoking or applying our selves a little more. I think for six foot one, Andy Smith of Pittsburgh State, November 11th 2009 will be a day he looks back on and says to himself, “yeah when SIX EIGHT Marcus Morris dunked on me so hard his private parts were in my face I decided basketball wasn’t for me…that was it…that was it.”

I have to start by saying one of my favorite past times on the weekends is eating popcorn. The only problem with this is that the only way I can get the type popcorn I really want is to go see a movie. I think it’s racial…ha ha. So this past weekend, to get some popcorn, I went to see the much anticipated new movie Precious at Landmark movie theatre in LA.

One of the main things I love about going to the movies is to ease drop. *to the tune of Head Bussa* I don’t know about you but I’mma Ease Dropper. …especially at a movie like Precious, which brings very drastic points of view from people based on what they have heard or read about the film. One couple was saying they heard it was the film of the year, another couple was saying they just knew they were going to cry and one douche bag (can’t believe I used that phrase) was trying to showoff to his date and tell her how he spent years on the inner city streets of Chicago where he helped many of a kid like Precious. Word Son? I’m sorry, your trendy outfit and you complaining about how valet was full, so its ridiculous the WALK you had to take from the garage, really doesn’t add up to me…but that’s just me, I’m just the Ease Dropper. I don’t know about you but I’m an Ease Dropper (I just had to sing it again).

Anyway, so we are nearing the climax of the movie and things are getting out of control!!

Sidebar: If you haven’t seen the movie I won’t give it away, but I will just say, where did the second UNBROKEN TV come from (that’s just me, I’m big on detail)?

We are just about to hit the climax, of the movie that is, and BOOM!!!! Yes there was a boom…movie screen goes blank. read more »

Original Post Date: May 1st, 2009

I’m not even sure where to start…As most of you know I’ve been talking about going to Panama since my conception. Ok that’s a little dramatic, maybe not that long but at least since January. Ha ha. …And what happened in Panama I have to say never happened to me before on vacation EVER!!!

Lets get right to it. I landed in Panama and I was just sick. Not sick like this is crazy to finally be here but actually my throat closed up, I can’t eat, talk or drink. I was literally sick!!!!!!! At first, I just thought it was a sore throat so the first night I fought through it like when Oscar was getting his butt toasted by Pacquio. But just like Oscar the beating could only go on but for so long. So I came to the conclusion that I needed to go to the hospital. Which then lead me to be like damn I need to find a hospital!! This probably would have been really easy if I could speak Spanish in full sentences… Thank God for the internet I found a Johns Hopkins hospital in Punta Pacifica. Ok now it was time to get my self together and get over to Punta Pacifica. WAIT where the hell is Punta Pacifica??? Is it right across the street, is it a suburb, do I have to take a plane then a boat and once I get off the boat ask for a man named Jose with a glass I who only walks with a limp on Thursdays? I don’t know!!! So I run down stairs (I was sick so it wasn’t a real run) to ask our welcoming/kind concierges, who was more than willing to explain to me how to get there… in SPANISH. At this point, I realized derechoa and izquierda weren’t going to be enough to get me there. read more »

Original Post Date: September 29, 2008

Wow in the words of the great philosopher Timbaland, ‚Äú…its been a long time, since I left you, with out a dope blog to laugh too.” Ok it didn’t quit go like that but just consider it the remix.

Dang, some much has been going on…where do I begin??!!! I sounded real valley girl-ish right there. Ok let me get my bearings, ‚ÄúShame on a nucca, who tried to run game on a nucca.” Ok I’m good now. Sometimes you gotta recite a Wu-Tang verse or two to get your manhood back…I digress. Anyway, so those who know me know from the past when I get quiet something is definitely up. So hopefully I’ll be able to confirm, soon, that what I have been working on is definitely a go by the end of next month if not before. So please keep checking in on me. One thing I can tell you about, is that one of my best friends Erin Jackson was on the Ellen Show and I was right there to watch her day-time television debut…and she was right there to watch me potentially get banned from the show for life!!! :-/ read more »

Original Post Date: Friday, March 14, 2008

So today I was skimming the Craigslist classifieds trying to see what prices ranges others were selling there stuff for (like desk and tvs) when I came across the following post:

I Would Like All of My T-Shirts back

Reply to: sale-606542453@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-14, 4:43PM PDT
To Whomever stole all of my good t-shirts out of the dryer on Wednesday,

You stole every single one of my favorite, simple, wear everyday, nice T-shirts.

I did laundry on tuesday after work, and yes I am stupid and forgot about the stuff in the dryer. I woke up at 5 am on thursday and remembered, but it was all gone. When the woman down the hall leaves her clothes in the washer for days – so long it smells by the time someone removes them and uses it for themselves, no one has stolen her Ed Hardy or her knock-off Guess sequined trash jeans she squeezes her rear into so tight it oozes over the waistband effectively making her torso look like the top of a gelatenous muffin. Or the guy who leaves his entire Banana Republic button-up shirt collection in both dryers for days and days and days.

Yet you choose to steal my simple, nice, and very CHEAP t-shirts. Solid colors, short sleeved, long sleeved, loose, snug. The cheap simple t-shirts that I can get away with my needed work-look of ‘Cali Cazh’ – Jeans and a nice t-shirt, I’m a Sound Person – no – I’m an Audio Girl. I can’t look too sexy, hair back, glasses on, functional clothes but never dyk-ey. The clients can see that I’m pretty (everyone likes eye-candy) but more nerdy – I have to be taken seriously. read more »

Original Post Date: October 17, 2007

After about 6 months I finally had a chance to make it back to the B-more streets to see my family. It’s good to see my mom because she always reminds me where I got my sense of humor from. Well at least on day one and two. ha ha. You know how it is…day one is the catering to you day, I’m not going to ask you any question. They just want you to come in, sit down and let them look at you. They’ll make whatever you want for dinner? You want your favorite dessert? I know you love to watch football. Take your lunch in the living room and eat in there while I act like I don’t care, so what you couldn’t do it when you were a kid. …like I said, that last for about one or two days then slowly but surely they switch on you. Welcome home pimpin!

I give it to mom dukes (NY slang to reference the woman who gave birth to you) because she tired her best to hold off as long as she could with the long line of questioning. She actually set a personal best, 3 days. I think she almost lost it on day two but Heroes came on and I think she forgot.

And sooooooo it begins….It always starts with, “So how are things?” **She likes to start vague and work her way to specifics** How is the weather? You brushing your teeth daily? How is stand up going? How was such and such audition? How is your best friend doing? How is ______ (insert the name of every girl I ever dated and repeating the question)? So who are you dating now? When do you think you’ll get married? One after another, after another and I’m like a super hero trying to block her bullets with my sword…tink tink tink. Little did I know there was something new at hand. Something I had not been trained to defend. “Dawan, grandma said if I got remarried to James (explain in a minute) you would stop coming home to visit.” I’m like, “I never said that.” My mom is like, “Well it hurt my feelings.” I’m like, “I never said that.” This statement frustrated me for three reasons. One, my grandmother is using me like a lonely pawn with with her queen in harms way to say something she really feels. Two, because my mom could have just come out and asked me if I care if she gets remarried, she doesn’t have to go into this he said she said. And Three, because I NEVER SAID THAT! Dang… read more »

Original Post Date: July 09, 2007

The club is not the greatest place to meet people but every once in a while you come up on a diamond in the rough. Well I thought this may have been the case for me when I met, let’s call her K. I get K’s number and I think to myself wow this girl mad cool. So K and I arrange to go to dinner. I get there early because you know sometimes the club lights play tricks on you, so if that was the case and she looked like a he, I could just slip out the side door (don’t judge me). Ha ha. So K walks in and I’m like this has to be top 5 most beautiful women I have ever met. I then proceed to do the, ‘white boy arm pump’. read more »

Original Post Date: April 10, 2007
You can’t see what I can see…you blind baby, you blind to the facts G. You ever have one of favorite lyrics turn around and smack in you in the face when you least expect it? Or I guess in this case should I say poke you in the eye.

Last week I was playing basketball in one of the roughest areas in LA. Not Compton, South Central or East LA, worse…Hollywood. Yeah laugh if you want too but you try playing basketball with actors, directors, musicians or anyone else who don’t quite have the athletic skills needed to play a sport without hurting themselves or those around them. Its like dancing with a girl with no rhythm, you are likely to catch a heel to your big toe. I guess I should have thought about that before last week when I went up for a block and just before I could do my patent Mutombo finger wave, I received a finger to my eye. After landing on my side I responded to my worried teammates, “I’m alright.”…ALRIGHT I’m lying. I said, “I CAN’T SEE, I CAN’T SEE! I got a woman, way over town that’s good to me.”

Now my philosophy when it comes to inquires has always been the same as Danity Kane’s, “Sleep on it, Sleep on it.” After waking and realizing I CAN’T SEE, I CAN’T SEE AGAIN! I took my butt to the eye doctor to find out that I have a scratch to my cornea. I must say, a scratch cornea has to be the worse pain I have ever felt in my life. read more »