The Chi-town Stalker, Stalking 101
I just have to say there is nothing like a good stalker. Just when you thought you life had gotten dull and boring a long comes a good stalker to change that smile upside down‚ am I right?
A friend was telling me about her current stalker who choose to send her messages on facebook but doesn’t wait for her reply‚ meaning he replies with the answers to his questions and continues to keep talking. I told her that is actually pretty cool because her stalker requires no interaction from her. As long you don’t block him, you can just let him keep sending his messages and you can keep deleting them and everyone is happy. She didn’t think that was a good idea. She wanted to send emails to facebook, admins, the army, blah blah blah. She was like, Dawan what do you know about having a stalker!!! Ooooohhhh young lady if you only knew. I’ve had a couple stalkers in my time. There was my 4rd grade stalker who tired to kill me after she saw me talking to her sister. They were identical twins, how was I suppose to know! Then there was my college stalker who started calling my frat brother demanding my number because she ‘loved me’ then proceed to call me 47 times a day. Yes 47 on the dot (my college football number)!! I can’t forget the part where she said she told her mom about us and wanted me to give her my address so she could ‚send me something. Yeah right lady!!!! That’s what the Unabomber use to tell his victims before he sent them a very special package. But I think the most memorable, was my 03 stalker. I like a scoop of really expensive caviar, she left a foul taste in my mouth.
Who could forget the summer of 2003 in DC? I sure can’t that was the summer my world was rocked. Ha ha. I was dating this girl, let’s call her‚ Chi-Town Stalker. So Chi-Town Stalker and I had dated for about 2 months and I think she was use to guys letting her do her think mainly because she was just out of college and still kinda playing games. I explained to her up front that was really what I was about and after a couple months I was forced to use my baseball backgroud and implement the 3 strike rule. Yeah I know its harsh but I had CC Sebathia her aka K her aka 3 strikes your out her aka sit you @zz on the bench you just got rung up her. Ok I got a little to hype there but you know what I mean. Anyway, the thing I think we can all say about dating and relationships is you never know how the other person is going to take it break up/break off. You have the, its cool, I fully understand, I hope we can be friends ex (1 in a million). Then you have the, I never want to talk to you again in life, I hope you choke on a chicken bone, kill yo self, kill yo self, kill-y0-self ex (the majority). And then you have the very mature, its all good I’ll just stalk you until you leave the state or charges are filed ex aka Chi-town Stalker.
It started off actually pretty harmless, yet weird of course. Late night voicemails saying she missed, but at 5am, escalating to, showing up at my stand-up shows and just hiding in the shadows in the back of the room. I’m like is that you the ghost of Christmas past? Then eventually escalating to the night it all went down hill.
Most of the people who know me from DC know I use to be a promoter with a group of great guys and we managed a website called Flow Insiders, which is still a staple in DC.
Sidebar: Dang I just realized I could be doing advertising in my blogs. So I was walking on stage last night I knew if I was going to have a great show I needed to have a COKE. COKE- The Coke Side of Life!! I need to think about this, back to the blog.
So we were throwing our weekly party called AIR in downtown DC and it’s a great night. So I’m a little inebriated, maybe dropping it low I feel this tap on the shoulder…yep you guessed it Harriet Tubman. Ok Ok it wasn’t Harriet, (but that would been far more interesting a story) it Chi-town Stalker. At this point in time she hasn‚’t even completely earned the name yet as she is balancing the line between weird and stalker. So we start chatting it up and its very cordial, how you been, how life, nice party‚ cordial. It was so cordial it almost seemed normal(first trick of a stalker).
We talk for a good 30 minutes and I tell her it was good to talk to her but I‚’m about to head home to which she responds, you think you give me a ride home I had to take a cab down here. I was like girl!!!! ‚ ok. :-/ So we are on the way to my house and everything is cool just like when we first met. I know, I know, its not my fault!!! Blame it on the‚ got you feelin–got-dang-me (bangin my head on the keyboard). I can’t even blame it on that because I was sober by this time‚ well until we go to my house and we decided to have a drink and watch a movie.
Sidebar: For the the low processor, I was suppose to take her home and now we are at my house. Somebody give me a Homer Simpson.
**I raising my right hand** I solemnly swear that everything you are about to read ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
I realize that if I did the deed I would be now re-opened the fluid gates and decide, to tell her, you know what I’m going to take you home. Her respond, I’m not leaving. Excuse me? This is my house. So I respond, ‚Oh yes you are (with a nervous ha ha after it). Which then turns into 3rd graders determined not to lose‚ ohhh yes you are ‚ oooh no I’m not‚ ooohhh yes you are‚ ooohhhh no I’m not!!! oooohhhh yes yes yes you are!!!!!! I’m have actually stepped out of my boy because how you going to tell me you not leaving my house. That makes you scared to take date if a girl can just walk in your house call MINE-ZZZZ and not have to leave.
She finally gives in and we are back in my car on the way to her house. She is just scowling. Not even 5 minutes into the drive my phone rings so like normal I pick it up. Hey whats girl, how are you?TWO to the arm and ONE to face‚ Chi-town Stalker goes OOOFFFFFF ON ME!!!!!!! Get off the phone who the hell are you talking too?!!!!! …which then causes a chain reaction, me to swerve, her to hit her head on the side of the door, and the lights of the cop behind me to go on. :.-(As I’m looking for my registration and a mint, I just hear in this deep almost Barry White like voice, Son how much have you had to drink, to which I reply a beer sir he goes, Son, my noise is like a bloodhound. I look up and dude really looked like a human version of a bloodhound. Like he lost his noise in Nam and they had to replace it with a bloodhound’s. He goes, you have two choices, you can either go to jail or you can let her drive, your choice. It honestly was a hard decision but as you guessed Chi-town Stalker is behind the wheel. Did I forget to mention that Chi-town Stalker just got her license two weeks prior (I promise all true) and guess where we are headed too you guessed it BACK TO MY HOUSE.
As we are driving she starts doing this weird laugh, turns to me and goes, ‚ÄúI should crash this car right now.” In situations like this I normally by pass all the convo and realize I need to go straight to the man him: Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me…please comfort me Lawd. We get back to my house and she hopes right into my bed like we are happy newly weds. I explain that I’m just going to watch tv down stairs to release some of the stress (and conveniently not come up). I think I sleep with a small saucepan in my pants just in case she decided in the middle of the night to try and take my manhood in one swift move.
The shades are left wide open so once that sun hits the crack of my eye I’m up and at em’. ALLL ABOARD!!! I get her up and halfway home before she even realizes whats going on. We get to her house and she gets out the car, slams the door and is like, ‚ÄúI don’t ever want to hear from you again!!!”" Touchdown…and thus I never heard from the Chi-town Stalker again… Well after I left the state… 
