The Tale of My Horrible Day on The Ellen Show
Original Post Date: September 29, 2008
Wow in the words of the great philosopher Timbaland, ‚Äú…its been a long time, since I left you, with out a dope blog to laugh too.” Ok it didn’t quit go like that but just consider it the remix.
Dang, some much has been going on…where do I begin??!!! I sounded real valley girl-ish right there. Ok let me get my bearings, ‚ÄúShame on a nucca, who tried to run game on a nucca.” Ok I’m good now. Sometimes you gotta recite a Wu-Tang verse or two to get your manhood back…I digress. Anyway, so those who know me know from the past when I get quiet something is definitely up. So hopefully I’ll be able to confirm, soon, that what I have been working on is definitely a go by the end of next month if not before. So please keep checking in on me. One thing I can tell you about, is that one of my best friends Erin Jackson was on the Ellen Show and I was right there to watch her day-time television debut…and she was right there to watch me potentially get banned from the show for life!!! :-/
I normally would start by telling you how nice the day was, how Ellen was in person, how I’m changing the name of the parties involved to protect the innocent, f@$@#$#@ that. I’m getting right to the point!! Roy Wood Jr, a comedian, born in Birmingham Alabama now residing in the Los Angeles area, approximately 5″9′, 185 pounds black male assailant…ok he didn’t actually attack me but it’s his fault. Is there a law word for that? Anyway, so Roy Wood Jr (diva) made it very clear that he would not sit in the audience for the actual show. He said and I quote, he had done his research and he realized that to sit in the audience you have to be a part of the big smile and dance number at the type of Ellen’s shows and he didn’t want to be seen on camera smiling and dancing, let alone be seen smiling and dancing next to another man smiling and dancing, end quote. Frankly, I’m a pretty good dancer and had planned to keep the smiling to a minimum, so I was not afraid of being seen in the light that Roy Wood Jr was referencing. Also for safety measures, I wore a button down shirt, a cross and a wife beater (showing just a taste) which says I know how to dress but I still got a little G in me.
Well the show starts and Roy Wood Jr (damn right I’m going to keep saying his full name so you guys don’t forget the assailant) is laughing at these nice people getting their off beat dance on.
CUT TO: Ellen playing a game with three audience members and giving the winner an IPOD touch.
CUT TO: Ellen surprising the other two contestants with IPOD Touches.
CUT TO: Ellen surprising the entire audience and giving them all IPOD Touches!!!
**I hope you see where this is going**
That means everyone one who was in the audience got an IPOD Touch. That means everyone one who sucked it up and danced off beat got an IPOD Touch. That means that if I had been sitting in the audience I would have gotten an IPOD Touch buuuttttttt nnnnnnoooooooooooo Roy Wood Jr wanted to be too cool for school (that’s right I said it) and sit in the green room.
So I immediately run out in the hallway to find one of the producers to see if we can get iPods as well. He assures me he’ll try his best but is not sure he can get them because they only had enough for the PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE. About 15 minutes later he enters the room with last remaining iPod in the building. So now it’s a western movie stare off between me and Roy Wood Jr (the full name won’t stop). After about 10 minutes of stare and squinting, we decide that Erin is the one who should get the iPod because obviously its her day. Ohhhh yeah Erin, right, the reason we were there. :-/
It’s now time for Erin to go on and they tell us that we can go out and watch Erin perform. Of course, Erin does her thing, Ellen loves her and it brings the show to close. As the show is closing and the music is playing I notice out of the corner of my eye that Roy Wood Jr is now dancing and smiling uncontrollable, which makes me think that he has either been hypnotized by the gay-@zz music OR he is up to something. He then proceeds to hit me with this jewel, ‚ÄúLook around, no one has iPods yet. That means they are getting them on their way out!!! If we just hold tight as long as we are not the last two people to leave, we can get iPods.” He then proceeds to tell me where he is parked and if we get separated meet him back at the car (think I’m lying ask him yourself http://www.myspace.com/roywoodjr). He has now started to foam at the mouth from the thought of his master plan but by this time one of the producers had come back to escort us back to the green room. What does Roy Wood Jr say to her? ‚ÄúUmmmm we are fine, we are just going stay right here and hang out for a while” Hang out for a while? This ain’t no pool hall… So of course, 10 minutes later what was one producer is now 3 and they are staring dead at us with their arms folded. Roy Wood Jr’s plan, is not to look at them, like we invisible Negros and they can’t see us as long as we don’t look their way. Needless to say they could see us; they finally escort us back to the green room and escort us off the set of the Ellen Show. All that to say Roy Wood Jr is the reason why black folk can’t have nothing. On behalf of my entire race I would like to say Thanks Roy. Thanks a lot.
