Pimps Up… Blogs Down

I was talking with one of my boys the other day and we were having that age old conversation of what happens when you die. I was saying, I think your life as a whole is probably taken into account not just one thing you did. But if God says to you, “I’m sorry playa, you want the other eternal resting place” could there be one moment that you could look back on and say I know exactly when I confirmed my spot in hell? You know how you have those moments when you say to yourself, self you may be going to hell for that one? So I decided to think about what moment of all those sinful moments (exaggerating, I’m an angel ) has been the worst. Now I’m not saying I’m going to hell (brother don’t like it hot) but here is a time that probably gives me a 50/50 chance.

When I first started out I use to perform at the Baltimore Improv as a regular opener which meant I had the opportunity to open for comedians I grew up watching on tv. You know being new to the game a brother was on cloud nine. One weekend I found out that I would be opening for this comedian who use to be a cast member on one of biggest Black sitcoms (now on an emmy winning show) of all time (as you can see I’m not naming names…no tell all books for the kid). This dude turns out to be one of the coolest kats I have ever met (I take it back). So we’re kicking it in the green room, he’s giving me advice, telling me stories, making fun of the other comic on the show, etc… After the show on Saturday, I tell him about this party on a boat that’s suppose to be hot. As soon as we get to the party, people start running up to him like, oh Candy Man (will be is alias for this story) I love you. Even guys are running up to him looking like they’re about to cry just from the sight of him. I’m like dang, its like that. Long blog short, the party ends up being off the chain. The boat doesn’t get back to the dock until 4. I tell him I’ll holla at him tomorrow and I walk to go get my car only to realize that the garage closed at 3:30am. OK, I’m from Baltimore and I love my city but the last place you want to be is in downtown Baltimore after 2am. Now I know some of you may watch The Wire on HBO… and think to yourself what a great show. Aight that’s not a show, that’s Baltimore! Those houses are really boarded up, those neighborhoods really look like that. It’s way too late to call my mom, so I call (you guessed it) the Candy Man because I remembered they put him up in an apartment-size hotel room and wanted to see if I sleep on the couch? He said cool. So I go over and the door is open so I let myself in and proceed to sleep on the couch. Around 5am, he comes in with two dudes that he had just met on the street. Now it’s normally not too smart when you’re a well known celebrity to bring back random people to your hotel room. Scratch that…no matter who the hell you are its never smart to bring people back your hotel room that you just met on the street, especially in Baltimore. These kats come in and you would have thought it was Flava Flav and Chuck D because they just start hyping the Candy Man up. Like “yo son, you the truth kid. Yo son, your thang must hurt from all the sex you have.” After about 20 minutes of that, one hype man asks the Candy Man if he wants to smoke. Of course the Candy Man tells him to light it up. The hype man’s face turns from excited to confused as he is padding down his pockets looking for something to roll the blunt with. The Candy Man goes, “don’t worry I’ll be right back”. He walks into the bedroom and comes back out with a Bible and starts RIPPING the pages out of the BIBLE and handing them to hype man to use. I repeat, He walks into the bedroom and comes back out with a Bible and starts RIPPING the pages out of the BIBLE and handing them to hype man to use. Then hype man looks at the pages, looks at his boy, then looks at the Candy Man and with a straight face says, “Aight son, I’ll smoke it, but I ain’t smoking the words.”

This whole time I’ve been doing that, you know one eye open fake sleep thing. At this point I got a million things running through my head like… Should I stop them? Say something like “What Would Jesus Do? I needed to do what I knew was right… pray that this actually wasn’t happening. As soon as I close my eyes I start to see this white light and a figure walking toward me. It was Bill Duke from Menace II Society but he has wings. He just starts shaking his head at me and says, “You know you done f-ed up right?” Can you go to hell for being guilty by association? All I knew is that I wasn’t sticking around to find out.

Needless to say I spent the rest of the night in the hotel lobby waiting for the garage to open listening to this drunk white dude tell me how I looked just like Tim Duncan.

The moral of this story is to get your OWN hotel room and stay away from celebrities who use Bibles for anything other than, I don’t know… READING.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 2nd, 2009 at 9:45 am and is filed under Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.