Pimps Up… Blogs Down

Paintball anyone? Fast forward to the 1:00 minute mark and see how we do it on Comedy Central’s new show Secret Girlfriend.

Original Post Date: Friday, March 14, 2008

So today I was skimming the Craigslist classifieds trying to see what prices ranges others were selling there stuff for (like desk and tvs) when I came across the following post:

I Would Like All of My T-Shirts back

Reply to: sale-606542453@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-14, 4:43PM PDT
To Whomever stole all of my good t-shirts out of the dryer on Wednesday,

You stole every single one of my favorite, simple, wear everyday, nice T-shirts.

I did laundry on tuesday after work, and yes I am stupid and forgot about the stuff in the dryer. I woke up at 5 am on thursday and remembered, but it was all gone. When the woman down the hall leaves her clothes in the washer for days – so long it smells by the time someone removes them and uses it for themselves, no one has stolen her Ed Hardy or her knock-off Guess sequined trash jeans she squeezes her rear into so tight it oozes over the waistband effectively making her torso look like the top of a gelatenous muffin. Or the guy who leaves his entire Banana Republic button-up shirt collection in both dryers for days and days and days.

Yet you choose to steal my simple, nice, and very CHEAP t-shirts. Solid colors, short sleeved, long sleeved, loose, snug. The cheap simple t-shirts that I can get away with my needed work-look of ‘Cali Cazh’ – Jeans and a nice t-shirt, I’m a Sound Person – no – I’m an Audio Girl. I can’t look too sexy, hair back, glasses on, functional clothes but never dyk-ey. The clients can see that I’m pretty (everyone likes eye-candy) but more nerdy – I have to be taken seriously. read more »

Original Post Date: October 17, 2007

After about 6 months I finally had a chance to make it back to the B-more streets to see my family. It’s good to see my mom because she always reminds me where I got my sense of humor from. Well at least on day one and two. ha ha. You know how it is…day one is the catering to you day, I’m not going to ask you any question. They just want you to come in, sit down and let them look at you. They’ll make whatever you want for dinner? You want your favorite dessert? I know you love to watch football. Take your lunch in the living room and eat in there while I act like I don’t care, so what you couldn’t do it when you were a kid. …like I said, that last for about one or two days then slowly but surely they switch on you. Welcome home pimpin!

I give it to mom dukes (NY slang to reference the woman who gave birth to you) because she tired her best to hold off as long as she could with the long line of questioning. She actually set a personal best, 3 days. I think she almost lost it on day two but Heroes came on and I think she forgot.

And sooooooo it begins….It always starts with, “So how are things?” **She likes to start vague and work her way to specifics** How is the weather? You brushing your teeth daily? How is stand up going? How was such and such audition? How is your best friend doing? How is ______ (insert the name of every girl I ever dated and repeating the question)? So who are you dating now? When do you think you’ll get married? One after another, after another and I’m like a super hero trying to block her bullets with my sword…tink tink tink. Little did I know there was something new at hand. Something I had not been trained to defend. “Dawan, grandma said if I got remarried to James (explain in a minute) you would stop coming home to visit.” I’m like, “I never said that.” My mom is like, “Well it hurt my feelings.” I’m like, “I never said that.” This statement frustrated me for three reasons. One, my grandmother is using me like a lonely pawn with with her queen in harms way to say something she really feels. Two, because my mom could have just come out and asked me if I care if she gets remarried, she doesn’t have to go into this he said she said. And Three, because I NEVER SAID THAT! Dang… read more »

Hey guys, we got another week of Yahoo OMG’s new series the 411. Make sure you check it out because the juice is loose!! …the celeberity juice that is.

Original Post Date: July 09, 2007

The club is not the greatest place to meet people but every once in a while you come up on a diamond in the rough. Well I thought this may have been the case for me when I met, let’s call her K. I get K’s number and I think to myself wow this girl mad cool. So K and I arrange to go to dinner. I get there early because you know sometimes the club lights play tricks on you, so if that was the case and she looked like a he, I could just slip out the side door (don’t judge me). Ha ha. So K walks in and I’m like this has to be top 5 most beautiful women I have ever met. I then proceed to do the, ‘white boy arm pump’. read more »

Original Post Date: April 10, 2007
You can’t see what I can see…you blind baby, you blind to the facts G. You ever have one of favorite lyrics turn around and smack in you in the face when you least expect it? Or I guess in this case should I say poke you in the eye.

Last week I was playing basketball in one of the roughest areas in LA. Not Compton, South Central or East LA, worse…Hollywood. Yeah laugh if you want too but you try playing basketball with actors, directors, musicians or anyone else who don’t quite have the athletic skills needed to play a sport without hurting themselves or those around them. Its like dancing with a girl with no rhythm, you are likely to catch a heel to your big toe. I guess I should have thought about that before last week when I went up for a block and just before I could do my patent Mutombo finger wave, I received a finger to my eye. After landing on my side I responded to my worried teammates, “I’m alright.”…ALRIGHT I’m lying. I said, “I CAN’T SEE, I CAN’T SEE! I got a woman, way over town that’s good to me.”

Now my philosophy when it comes to inquires has always been the same as Danity Kane’s, “Sleep on it, Sleep on it.” After waking and realizing I CAN’T SEE, I CAN’T SEE AGAIN! I took my butt to the eye doctor to find out that I have a scratch to my cornea. I must say, a scratch cornea has to be the worse pain I have ever felt in my life. read more »

I finally get to talk trash for money. ha ha. Check me out on a brand new Viral show called the 411 presented by Yahoo OMG. I’ll be on regularly so make sure you keep watching.

Original Post Date: November 13, 2006

The Gateway Of India

I tell people all the time if there is anything that you have to do before you die is to see the world. I think to see the world gives you a different perspective on your own life, especially if you travel to a third world country. I had the opportunity to travel to Mumbai, India for work a couple of years ago before I started doing comedy and that changed my whole outlook on life.

I knew this trip was going to have its issues from the start. Number One, 3 of the 4 co-workers I was traveling with were white and we were going to an all brown country. I’m not sure if you know, but White people for some reason aren’t the most popular race on earth. Number Two, they thought it would be funny to wait until we got on the flight to tell me that June is the beginning of Monsoon season in India. Furthermore proving why White people are not the most popular race on earth.

So after a 16-hour plan ride, I almost get arrested for taking pictures in the airport to which I replied with the words of the great philosopher Dave Chapelle, “I didn’t know you couldn’t do that.” I then pull the one Indian kat that came with us ,” I understand you don’t live her but I need you to help me get up to speed on rules or laws that may cause me not to be able to get back on that plane.” read more »

I was talking with one of my boys the other day and we were having that age old conversation of what happens when you die. I was saying, I think your life as a whole is probably taken into account not just one thing you did. But if God says to you, “I’m sorry playa, you want the other eternal resting place” could there be one moment that you could look back on and say I know exactly when I confirmed my spot in hell? You know how you have those moments when you say to yourself, self you may be going to hell for that one? So I decided to think about what moment of all those sinful moments (exaggerating, I’m an angel ) has been the worst. Now I’m not saying I’m going to hell (brother don’t like it hot) but here is a time that probably gives me a 50/50 chance. read more »

Original Post Date: April 24, 2006

One of the first things I had to get use to in LA was the fact that most apartment buildings have shared laundry facilities. Now for me I have grown accustom to washing my dirty underwear in the privacy of my own home but I said ok I’ll do the whole when in Rome thing and plus I figured it may be a great way to meet some interesting people. I was wrong/right. ha ha

Yesterday I was in the laundry room and on our floor there are only 3 machines one of them never works. So Im putting my laundry in the one available machine that works when this guy walks in and starts putting his clothes in the machine that never works. So of course I say to him, oh that machine never works to which he replies, Oh…dont worry Ill get it to work…Im a WITCH. In my mind I say, Como say what? Now Im looking for the joke, the laugh, the smile, the something…it never came. The only thing that did come was him immediately following the ‘Im a WITCH’ comment with the question, Whats your name? You really think Im about to tell you my name so when I leave you can take one of my pair of boxers out the wash and start casting all kinds of spells on me? Not the kid

I know to some people who have been living in LA for some time this story may sound very normal but Im from Baltimore MD, we dont just kick it with WITCHES. Im still trippin the man said he was a WITCH. To throw another element in to the WITCH pot if I may, the dude was a brother. So he wasnt just a WITCH he was a black WITCH. Im just going to go out on a limb and make a bold statement and say that being a WITCH is something black people just don’t do. Ok I have now just got confirmation the NAACP, the Rainbow Coalition and the people over at www.BlackPeopleDontBecomeWitches.com, are all in agreement, we don’t do the witch thing.

Let me end by saying that if there are any witches out here on myspace/facebook/in life (which I doubt there are lol…hopefully :-/) please dont take this personal. Feel free to curse me out just dont curse me.