Pimps Up… Blogs Down

ESPN has deemed this dunk as the ‘dunk of the year’ but I’m deeming it as the most disrespectful dunk in history! Why? At first it may just look like a normal thunderous dunk but what you don’t see at first glance is the seer disrespect Amare shows. As Amare flys high over Golden State’s–who cares what his name is…in mid air, Amare decides to take it to another level and rub dudes bald head. Word son??!!! You just going to dunk on me and rub my head in mid air? Take a look:

Ok watching Idol last night really got me thinking (yes I watch Idol, deal). I feel like I’m a pretty multi-talented person. I sincerely feel like I can do a lot of things well but I think the one thing I can’t do is sing. Now don’t get me wrong your boy can carry a tune…BUMP THAT I CAN SING!!! No I can’t. The weird thing about it is that people tell me I look like I can sing (I know, I know the people always tell me thing). I kinda feel like God is playing with my emotions. I mean he gave me the moves. Ohhh yes your boy is light on his feet. You know how hard it is to be able to get these long lims moving all in the same direction on BEAT. It’s a skill, a skill few big men have. I mean you saw the East’s attempt at choreography at All-Star weekend…I’m a man among boys in this category. I’m blessed. I think the big man upstairs just may have forgotten to give me the voice. I honestly think it was an oversight. I mean even God has an off day, right? I mean ‘78 was a great year. I think about it. I Kobe Bryant, Ashton Kutcher, OchoCinco, ME…it was a busy year!! So I’m trying figure how to go about telling him he forgot something. He should understand don’t you think? I mean he is the all powerful Oz. I wonder how he takes criticsm? I’ll let you know how it goes. Seacrest out. :-/

I just have to say there is nothing like a good stalker. Just when you thought you life had gotten dull and boring a long comes a good stalker to change that smile upside down‚ am I right?

A friend was telling me about her current stalker who choose to send her messages on facebook but doesn’t wait for her reply‚ meaning he replies with the answers to his questions and continues to keep talking. I told her that is actually pretty cool because her stalker requires no interaction from her. As long you don’t block him, you can just let him keep sending his messages and you can keep deleting them and everyone is happy. She didn’t think that was a good idea. She wanted to send emails to facebook, admins, the army, blah blah blah. She was like, Dawan what do you know about having a stalker!!! Ooooohhhh young lady if you only knew. I’ve had a couple stalkers in my time. There was my 4^rd grade stalker who tired to kill me after she saw me talking to her sister. They were identical twins, how was I suppose to know! Then there was my college stalker who started calling my frat brother demanding my number because she ‘loved me’ then proceed to call me 47 times a day. Yes 47 on the dot (my college football number)!! I can’t forget the part where she said she told her mom about us and wanted me to give her my address so she could ‚send me something. Yeah right lady!!!! That’s what the Unabomber use to tell his victims before he sent them a very special package. But I think the most memorable, was my 03 stalker. I like a scoop of really expensive caviar, she left a foul taste in my mouth.

Who could forget the summer of 2003 in DC? I sure can’t that was the summer my world was rocked. Ha ha. I was dating this girl, let’s call her‚ Chi-Town Stalker. So Chi-Town Stalker and I had dated for about 2 months and I think she was use to guys letting her do her think mainly because she was just out of college and still kinda playing games. I explained to her up front that was really what I was about and after a couple months I was forced to use my baseball backgroud and implement the 3 strike rule. Yeah I know its harsh but I had CC Sebathia her aka K her aka 3 strikes your out her aka sit you @zz on the bench you just got rung up her. Ok I got a little to hype there but you know what I mean. Anyway, the thing I think we can all say about dating and relationships is you never know how the other person is going to take it break up/break off. You have the, its cool, I fully understand, I hope we can be friends ex (1 in a million). Then you have the, I never want to talk to you again in life, I hope you choke on a chicken bone, kill yo self, kill yo self, kill-y0-self ex (the majority). And then you have the very mature, its all good I’ll just stalk you until you leave the state or charges are filed ex aka Chi-town Stalker.

It started off actually pretty harmless, yet weird of course. Late night voicemails saying she missed, but at 5am, escalating to, showing up at my stand-up shows and just hiding in the shadows in the back of the room. I’m like is that you the ghost of Christmas past? Then eventually escalating to the night it all went down hill.

Most of the people who know me from DC know I use to be a promoter with a group of great guys and we managed a website called Flow Insiders, which is still a staple in DC.

Sidebar: Dang I just realized I could be doing advertising in my blogs. So I was walking on stage last night I knew if I was going to have a great show I needed to have a COKE. COKE- The Coke Side of Life!! I need to think about this, back to the blog.

So we were throwing our weekly party called AIR in downtown DC and it’s a great night. So I’m a little inebriated, maybe dropping it low I feel this tap on the shoulder…yep you guessed it Harriet Tubman. Ok Ok it wasn’t Harriet, (but that would been far more interesting a story) it Chi-town Stalker. At this point in time she hasn‚’t even completely earned the name yet as she is balancing the line between weird and stalker. So we start chatting it up and its very cordial, how you been, how life, nice party‚ cordial. It was so cordial it almost seemed normal(first trick of a stalker).

We talk for a good 30 minutes and I tell her it was good to talk to her but I‚’m about to head home to which she responds, you think you give me a ride home I had to take a cab down here. I was like girl!!!! ‚ ok. :-/ So we are on the way to my house and everything is cool just like when we first met. I know, I know, its not my fault!!! Blame it on the‚ got you feelin–got-dang-me (bangin my head on the keyboard). I can’t even blame it on that because I was sober by this time‚ well until we go to my house and we decided to have a drink and watch a movie.

Sidebar: For the the low processor, I was suppose to take her home and now we are at my house. Somebody give me a Homer Simpson.

**I raising my right hand** I solemnly swear that everything you are about to read ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

I realize that if I did the deed I would be now re-opened the fluid gates and decide, to tell her, you know what I’m going to take you home. Her respond, I’m not leaving. Excuse me? This is my house. So I respond, ‚Oh yes you are (with a nervous ha ha after it). Which then turns into 3^rd graders determined not to lose‚ ohhh yes you are ‚ oooh no I’m not‚ ooohhh yes you are‚ ooohhhh no I’m not!!! oooohhhh yes yes yes you are!!!!!! I’m have actually stepped out of my boy because how you going to tell me you not leaving my house. That makes you scared to take date if a girl can just walk in your house call MINE-ZZZZ and not have to leave.

She finally gives in and we are back in my car on the way to her house. She is just scowling. Not even 5 minutes into the drive my phone rings so like normal I pick it up. Hey whats girl, how are you?TWO to the arm and ONE to face‚ Chi-town Stalker goes OOOFFFFFF ON ME!!!!!!! Get off the phone who the hell are you talking too?!!!!! …which then causes a chain reaction, me to swerve, her to hit her head on the side of the door, and the lights of the cop behind me to go on. :.-(As I’m looking for my registration and a mint, I just hear in this deep almost Barry White like voice, Son how much have you had to drink, to which I reply a beer sir he goes, Son, my noise is like a bloodhound. I look up and dude really looked like a human version of a bloodhound. Like he lost his noise in Nam and they had to replace it with a bloodhound’s. He goes, you have two choices, you can either go to jail or you can let her drive, your choice. It honestly was a hard decision but as you guessed Chi-town Stalker is behind the wheel. Did I forget to mention that Chi-town Stalker just got her license two weeks prior (I promise all true) and guess where we are headed too you guessed it BACK TO MY HOUSE.

As we are driving she starts doing this weird laugh, turns to me and goes, ‚ÄúI should crash this car right now.” In situations like this I normally by pass all the convo and realize I need to go straight to the man him: Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me…please comfort me Lawd. We get back to my house and she hopes right into my bed like we are happy newly weds. I explain that I’m just going to watch tv down stairs to release some of the stress (and conveniently not come up). I think I sleep with a small saucepan in my pants just in case she decided in the middle of the night to try and take my manhood in one swift move.

The shades are left wide open so once that sun hits the crack of my eye I’m up and at em’. ALLL ABOARD!!! I get her up and halfway home before she even realizes whats going on. We get to her house and she gets out the car, slams the door and is like, ‚ÄúI don’t ever want to hear from you again!!!”" Touchdown…and thus I never heard from the Chi-town Stalker again… Well after I left the state…

I have come to realize that there are some people that when posed with a simple question, they for some reason, feel the need to respond with simple said, way too much information. A how are you doing, how is your day been is reciprocated with a life’s synopsis. For example, the following email EXCERPT has been taken from an email where I asked ‘weird guy’ if he cold because he was wearing a lot of layers and a hat at the dentist. Don’t ask why he has my email address I guess that is just networking gone wrong. Enjoy.

You asked a good question…I was wearing the wool hat last couple of years simply because I was growing my hair. I have now recalled that my Tai Chi master stressed repeatedly that in TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) the first line of defense for winter is ears covered. It is initially annoying to have the wool hat. Thereafter I get totally used to it.

Between ‚Äúthe doctors we have and the ‚Äúmeds” we have” and a wool hat… Wool hat seems so much more attractive.

Qigong and Tai Chi are more tricky than I imagined. The trickery is that it works too well… When the vibe changes quickly the body and mind are not necessarily able to catch up as quick. Qigong as in Wild Goose is meant to be a 30 year training path from young. It is like you experience a winter every time you do it. Lots of qi is generated and accumulated. It would seems like the best compromise and line of defense would be the woolen hat for colder weather. I do believe that in the long run the learning would be deeper and eventually the vulnerability would subside. The whole ‚Äúopinion” of cold is becoming a dominant unlearning and relearning in Tai Chi. Qi is lots of ‚Äúcold” to the mind even on a hot day. That double cold coupled with amplified opening of the chest and breathing pathways is out of the ordinary…

It is like entering a whole new domain and new life. In most Western med as it is until now, qi is sickness. Feeling alive has been suppressed. The absurd. Suddenly you learn to relate differently to pain, cold, hot, movement, gravitation. read more »

If you’re looking to sell your car there are many companies that advertise their services. Companies work long and hard to come up will all types of fancy smancy advertising schemes but I think when I’m ready to sell my car I’m going to go with this guy. I came across this innovative ad campaign around the corner from my house. I mean look at the Cash For Cars penmanship…as it tales off to the end and written on a perfectly cut piece of wood. Now if this isn’t a guy you can trust I don’t know who is… I’m calling today!!!!

I think we all come to a point in our lives where he look back and can pinpoint the exact moment we decided to make a change. It may be deciding to quit smoking or applying our selves a little more. I think for six foot one, Andy Smith of Pittsburgh State, November 11th 2009 will be a day he looks back on and says to himself, “yeah when SIX EIGHT Marcus Morris dunked on me so hard his private parts were in my face I decided basketball wasn’t for me…that was it…that was it.”

I have to start by saying one of my favorite past times on the weekends is eating popcorn. The only problem with this is that the only way I can get the type popcorn I really want is to go see a movie. I think it’s racial…ha ha. So this past weekend, to get some popcorn, I went to see the much anticipated new movie Precious at Landmark movie theatre in LA.

One of the main things I love about going to the movies is to ease drop. *to the tune of Head Bussa* I don’t know about you but I’mma Ease Dropper. …especially at a movie like Precious, which brings very drastic points of view from people based on what they have heard or read about the film. One couple was saying they heard it was the film of the year, another couple was saying they just knew they were going to cry and one douche bag (can’t believe I used that phrase) was trying to showoff to his date and tell her how he spent years on the inner city streets of Chicago where he helped many of a kid like Precious. Word Son? I’m sorry, your trendy outfit and you complaining about how valet was full, so its ridiculous the WALK you had to take from the garage, really doesn’t add up to me…but that’s just me, I’m just the Ease Dropper. I don’t know about you but I’m an Ease Dropper (I just had to sing it again).

Anyway, so we are nearing the climax of the movie and things are getting out of control!!

Sidebar: If you haven’t seen the movie I won’t give it away, but I will just say, where did the second UNBROKEN TV come from (that’s just me, I’m big on detail)?

We are just about to hit the climax, of the movie that is, and BOOM!!!! Yes there was a boom…movie screen goes blank. read more »

I may as well say it before you think it. ha ha. Check me out in Murs’s video Yesterday & Today

Original Post Date: May 1st, 2009

I’m not even sure where to start…As most of you know I’ve been talking about going to Panama since my conception. Ok that’s a little dramatic, maybe not that long but at least since January. Ha ha. …And what happened in Panama I have to say never happened to me before on vacation EVER!!!

Lets get right to it. I landed in Panama and I was just sick. Not sick like this is crazy to finally be here but actually my throat closed up, I can’t eat, talk or drink. I was literally sick!!!!!!! At first, I just thought it was a sore throat so the first night I fought through it like when Oscar was getting his butt toasted by Pacquio. But just like Oscar the beating could only go on but for so long. So I came to the conclusion that I needed to go to the hospital. Which then lead me to be like damn I need to find a hospital!! This probably would have been really easy if I could speak Spanish in full sentences… Thank God for the internet I found a Johns Hopkins hospital in Punta Pacifica. Ok now it was time to get my self together and get over to Punta Pacifica. WAIT where the hell is Punta Pacifica??? Is it right across the street, is it a suburb, do I have to take a plane then a boat and once I get off the boat ask for a man named Jose with a glass I who only walks with a limp on Thursdays? I don’t know!!! So I run down stairs (I was sick so it wasn’t a real run) to ask our welcoming/kind concierges, who was more than willing to explain to me how to get there… in SPANISH. At this point, I realized derechoa and izquierda weren’t going to be enough to get me there. read more »

Original Post Date: September 29, 2008

Wow in the words of the great philosopher Timbaland, ‚Äú…its been a long time, since I left you, with out a dope blog to laugh too.” Ok it didn’t quit go like that but just consider it the remix.

Dang, some much has been going on…where do I begin??!!! I sounded real valley girl-ish right there. Ok let me get my bearings, ‚ÄúShame on a nucca, who tried to run game on a nucca.” Ok I’m good now. Sometimes you gotta recite a Wu-Tang verse or two to get your manhood back…I digress. Anyway, so those who know me know from the past when I get quiet something is definitely up. So hopefully I’ll be able to confirm, soon, that what I have been working on is definitely a go by the end of next month if not before. So please keep checking in on me. One thing I can tell you about, is that one of my best friends Erin Jackson was on the Ellen Show and I was right there to watch her day-time television debut…and she was right there to watch me potentially get banned from the show for life!!! :-/ read more »